Precarious Living
by PeanutButterOreoCookieGirl
Summary: It's a precarious situation they live in. Matt and Mello that is. The mundane and the dangerous. A look into their last few days together. Slash MattMello Pre-spoilers.


**Precarious**

_Precarious._ That's what it all came down to, Mello thought. The precarious situation that Matt and himself had gotten themselves into. Mello had gotten them into. After all, Matt didn't do too much in the way of predicament making. Torn between the mundane of making hot chocolate and the dangerous dealings with Kira. Raito Yagami, he _should_ say. Mello can't seem to say it aloud yet, perhaps from fear that this problematic arrangement they've grown used to will fall apart. Make it seem so much realer and a lot more possible. Probably. Shuddering Mello closed the window wary of any unknown in the early morning dawn.

Too late in the morning to call it a head start…too early to say he'd slept in, Mello smiled despite himself. Mugs of hot chocolate in hand Mello entered the living room sitting beside an already goggled Matt, hard at work on his gameboy. "Foreshadowing." It wasn't a sentence. Mello knew and meant it just the way it sounded. The morning. A grey-warm day somehow very familiar and foreign. It made him shiver. Made Matt stop playing his game.

Not pause. Quit. Stop in the middle of some battle between fictionized good and evil. So very unlike Matt. Like a dog he could tell the fear trembling through Mello. It scared him. He was so used to being in tune with Mello that this sudden change was frightening. It was all off. This morning so normal but unlike yesterday and the day before, Mello was right. This was foreshadowing. No sincere knowledge they'd survive just this one more day… As if… As if, Matt realised; it was as if they'd part ways tomorrow. Matt dropped his shoulders suddenly, startling Mello. "Scared?" Matt didn't expect much of an answer. A confirming noise combined with a shiver prompted Matt to sigh. "Me too-"

"I don't want this to end Matt. I mean with Kira I do…not- not with you." The somehow haunting, hollow words made Matt smile. Mello was still Mello. Probably. He'd interrupted Matt at least. Promising. Mello leaned in, pressing his lips firmly against Matt's, still vaguely aware of the hot chocolate in his hands growing cold. Wide eyed, Mello curses himself and moves back towards the kitchen as if he'd forgotten something.

Matt watches him leave lips tingling yet just as chapped as ever. Dizzy with sensation and numb to the lust rising in his gut Matt marches into the kitchen after Mello. Mello is wide eyed when Matt goes to push by him only to stop and grab his scarred shoulder. A kiss, not sexual but filled with everything that could be fit into a kiss from one scared boy to another. Trust. It stopped Mello. Stopped him. No reaction whatsoever flashed by him, eyes closed slightly watching Matt's eyes flutter.

It ended before mello had even thought to tell the redhead of the hot chocolate. And things were the same as they had always been. Matt was Mello's dog once again and asking what the next step against Kira was. Thrusting both mugs towards Matt, Mello left the room cursing and grabbing a bar of chocolate. Last Matt saw of him was the blonde slinking onto the motorbike in his usual leather and disappearing around the corner. Leaving Matt. Leaving Matt with everything. Leaving Matt with that kiss. A farewell as well as a confession. Perhaps an apology. Matt doubted it. It _was_ Mello after all. No longer living precariously, Matt afforded himself some time. A breakdown. A goodbye of sorts amongst the serious charm of this damned morning.

**Breaking Down**

Fingers sliding through his hair, he hiccupped tearing his goggles off of his eyes, flinging them across the room. Not fair. _Not fair Mello._ He thought to himself. 'It -is-' Mello would have argued. He didn't. _It -isn't-. _Matt thought. A first clenched and threw itself upon the tile floor tears dancing in his eyes. His life…. He was breaking. Without Mello….

__

No! I can -do- it.

Throat raw with grief Matt didn't think he could make any sort of noise. Wrong. Oh-so-fucking-wrong. Sobs and whines wound their way out of his throat, twisting his heart more. Stepping on his pride… why? Why? Why? _Why?_

Why ask himself? He -knew- the answer. Answers. That's all it was ever -about-. Answer this. Answer that. Solve this and that. Fuck yourself over for the justice of the world. _For L._ As soon as he thought it, he regretted it. That wasn't -fair-. L -hadn't- told Mello to do this. Hadn't even supported Mello's desperate need to avenge him. L had -died-. Hadn't had the oh-so-fucking-great chance to see Mello really shine let alone the chance to support or damn Mello's scheme. Schemes.

There had always been schemes. And Chocolate. Sighing, Matt was really a lot…calmer. Had let out that mischievous grief that had threatened to barricade his common sense and tear a demon scream from his very heart. Broken. If not a little shattered, broken could describe it.

That kiss. _Those -kisses-._ Matt corrected himself. It was plural. He -knew- without a doubt they'd be his last and wished silently that they had've turned to something -else-. _Pervert. _He mentally cursed himself again. What kind of friend was he? _A lonely one… _Self pity. Not his forte either. He really didn't -have- much of a forte.

Lighting a cigarette he inhaled deeply, feeling the death surround him, waking his senses more, calming his unending frazzling nerves. Though it was the middle of the day Matt had nothing left in him to move. To -do- something. Illogical. After all it wouldn't be long until Mello -contacted- him. He always would. Or…did.

__

Perhaps…

Exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion. It flooded him as he smashed the cigarette butt against the cool tile. With no energy to stand, Matt let himself drift into sleep. Let death take him while he's at peace. 'Cause without Mello he'd surely die soon.

**Guilt**

He'd escaped. For a few hours at least. He couldn't _really_ leave. Not like this. He'd have to go and apologize. Matt would have thought him long gone…. Guilty. He'd been standing in the hallway listening to Matt's desperate sobs. His breathing ragged Mello was surprised Matt wasn't breaking everything. He'd have deserved it. It's what Mello would have done had its been -Matt- to leave like that. It wasn't. Matt never would have. Mello knew. Knew in the way that he knew Near was speaking to Raito Yagami at this moment, unravelling so many layers of Kira's twisted plans.

He hadn't really _intended _on that kiss… Reassurance. That this was real and not the ending. It couldn't just _end_. Possible. Unwanted. Regretful. Playing absentmindedly with his scars, tracing his fingers down his ugly reminder. Of stupidity. Of panic. Mortal fear and arrogance. That _was_ after all what he was full of. Aware of his many twisted flaws Mello coped well enough. Matt… hadn't deserved that though.

He had _known_what it would do to Matt. He _hadn't_ known the noises and heart-wrenching cries would be so strong….so alive. Dying. Mello didn't want that. Too scared to cry, to frightened to move and comfort the gamer. Afraid that Matt would see right through him. Would see that he truly _was_ scared. Aware that the older boy's anger was raw and unforgiving. Betrayal. Betrayal like that didn't go forgiven and forgotten.

Hours passed, Matt had long fallen asleep and Mello was so tired, so very sore. His heart _ached_. Longed to hold the boy and apologize and mean it. For once. His rosary was backwards and his cheeks were streaked with tears. Mello would have never thought that just being this _separated_ from Matt would hurt so much. Such a cliché. So close and far as well. So unable.

Somewhere in a dream Mello went to Matt, curling up behind him, holding him close shaking against his lithe frame. Tears spilled onto the stripped sleeves. Winding arms around him, Mello woke the boy. "Matt" It was croaked out so quietly Matt could have heard it years ago in a long-forgotten dream. They lie there silent for hours. It seemed. Still illogical. One boy lay shaking and crying unable to beg forgiveness and unable to admit he really _should_ have left. Unable to really go. The other, the redhead, unable to cry, unwilling to think this was anything but a sad and unforgiving nightmare. Unable to admit he'd missed the other so completely…unable to tell him he really _cared._

A wet kiss interrupts them both. Startling. To say the least they needed it. Grief and anxiety rushing towards something else. Lips sliding together wetly in the dark night. Unthinkable. Truly they could not form coherent thought in this tragic and overbearing parting.

**Sex**

Lips parting to allow access and hands wandering the otherwise silent kitchen is filled with soft grunts and gasps. Mello slid his hands to Matt's shoulders, turning and pinning the redhead to the night-chilled tile. Tilting Matt's head and sliding his tongue in and exploring that mouth Mello fought against pinning the boys hands as well. Matt's hands were on Mello's shoulders pulling him closer. Fixing just the right angle for Mello to…

"Nnng Mell-" Matt's groan was full of approval as he felt Mello grind their hips together. It was altogether too brief and as Mello slid down, brushing his body hard against Matt's arousal as he moved Matt was left torn between disappointment and further excitement. As Mello pushed the vest off and stripped the shirt off of Matt as well, he settled in between the redhead's legs. Sliding his tongue down pale skin, he watched Matt's face for his reaction.

A blush spreading quickly from his cheeks down Matt struggled to keep his eyes open to watch Mello. Nothing was more erotic than when Mello dipped his tongue down into Matt's navel. Tangling his fingers in Mello's hair his eyes met the blonde's making his cock twitch appreciatively. Unable to hold back matt flipped them both over and after undoing his pants, he worked quickly to rid Mello of his clothing as well. Sucking a nipple Matt worked to undo the lace-up leather pants, surprised upon discovering Mello was going commando. Blinking down at the blonde, Matt suppressed a giggle that threatened to mingle with a moan.

"They're _tight_ Matt." And something in his tone hooked Matt to the idea instantly. As if the blonde had been talking about _himself. _The implication alone was enough to make Matt breathless. Biting hard at Mello's collarbone Matt slid the pants off of Mello working hard to keep composure as he eyed Mello's current state. Lying popped up on his elbows on the kitchen floor, buck naked aside from the leather vest bunched together on his elbows. And suddenly Mello was the very innocent one. Blushing and needy for attention. It made Matt wonder if Mello was a virgin. "Don't just stare…do _something_."

Kissing Mello roughly, Matt was overcome by the urgency in the younger boy's voice. Biting his lip Matt put a hand on Mello's chest pushing him back, making the blonde growl. Growl…. Really Matt was so turned on by that it was ridiculous. "Hard or gentle Mell?"

"I want you to fuck me hard Matt! I'm not some fucking prissy girl!" Mello insisted angrily arching towards Matt grinding against him. Matt groaned and kissed Mello again, using his other hand not supporting him to slide his pants and boxers off. The blush was back on Mello keeping Matt on task. Nipping a trail down the blonde's abdomen, Matt kissed the tip of his cock tonguing the vein along the underside.

Pulling away Matt watched the younger boy's face as he pulled himself eye to eye with Mello. Tapping the Mello's lips Matt encouraged the boy underneath him to suck his fingers, which Mello gladly did. Tongue swirling along the pads of Matt's fingertips Mello aimed to get a moan out of Matt. Succeeding Mello whined when Matt removed his fingers.

"Hold on Mell…" Matt groaned, and concentrated on sliding his slick fingers into Mello, intent on stretching him. Mello hissed in pain making Matt wince before he lined himself up and thrust deep into him. Struggling to stay as still as possible so Mello could adjust Matt is breathing hard his hand quickly jerking Mello off to help with the pain.

"Matt! Move…" Mello ground out. Matt complied the best he could, thrusting into Mello, quickly finding a pace that suited both of them. "Ugnnn Matt-Fuck!" Mello cried when Matt hit something in him that made him see stars. Biting his lip Mello clung to Matt's back growing desperate for a little control.

Kissing Mello, Matt was struggling to breath thrusting even harder his hand working roughly on Mello's leaking cock. Moaning Mello came spilling himself between the two of them, forcing Matt to come as well thrusting into Mello groaning. Breathing hard Matt slid out of Mello and kissed him hard. "Don't fuck around like that Mello. I can't lose you. If you don't intend on leaving…."

And he found he couldn't finish his sentence. Again.

**Epilogue**

When Matt woke up he was still alone. Naked and sticky with cum and in bed but still alone. It nearly made him curl up and cry. Feeling sick with being used Matt nearly screamed. Instead he jumped when Mello came into the room looking at him curiously and crawled into bed with him snuggling close, leaving a soft kiss on his neck.

"Today Matty." It was all that he had to say as he splayed kisses all over Matt. Matt only dimly agreed. Content to hold on a little longer.

Co-dependent. Matt could have been described easily with that one word. Mello really used him as a pet. Matt knows though, that under that shell Mello has been broken by late night blushing and a bond… Something destroyed by only a few bullets and a murderer and his insane antics.

he didn't let himself finish even the thought. 'Perhaps Mello-kun will be back.' That's what L had said when Matt was just eleven at Whammy's House and Mello…his closest friend…. His only family. Mello had run away. Fled. This wasn't the same. Mello had returned that night upon realizing his oh-so-precious chocolate was impossible to get without means of finance. Mello -had- his finance this time. Matt -knew- he'd never return. That this -was- the end. The goodbye. lying. It was never his forte. It was all Mello. A lapdog was what he was. Being fed scraps and yearning for that oh-so-rare affection. Those -rare- moments. It disgusted him. Scared him. He'd never -needed- anyone before Mello. 


End file.
